Dead Flowers
by Queen of My Own Little World
Summary: An excerpt from a day of Kate's life with Jack. She has it all, and yet she can't stop thinking of everything she used to have.


A/N: So apparently I have been crazy inspired by Miranda Lambert songs. Odd, but I'm just riding it all out. This one is inspired by her song of the same name. It's just an excerpt of Jack and Kate's life together off-island.

None of this belongs to me. All that is written here is merely my own work and not authorized by Damon Lindeloff, Carlton Cuse or ABC.

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**Dead Flowers**

"Mommy! Mommy! Wake up!" A chipper little voice came ringing through Kate's dreams. She jolted awake and snapped her eyes open instinctively. She immediately squeezed them back shut. Damn that light was bright. Her head was pounding.

_Next New Year's Eve I am definitely skipping on that goddamn champagne, _Kate thought, rubbing her pulsing temples. The bed started to shake with the unmistakable bouncing of an overly energetic three year old. She pressed her fingers further into her forehead, willing it to stop its throbbing.

"Mommy, get up! I'm hungry!" Aaron whined.

"Okay, baby," Kate conceded. She sat up gingerly, trying not to move too fast. She glanced towards the other side of the bed. The sheets were thrown off and it was empty. Jack must have had an early case. Which meant his day was packed. He probably wouldn't be home until after Aaron went to bed. He'd be so disappointed at that; Aaron loved it when Jack read him stories. And Kate suspected that Jack loved it even more than Aaron did.

She placed her feet on the freezing hardwood floor and stood up slowly. She noticed a glass of water and two aspirins on the bedside table.

_"I thought these would be useful,"_ said the post-it note next to the glass. It was written in Jack's messy doctor's scrawl. He had signed his name underneath a very misshapen heart. Kate smiled at his thoughtfulness and gulped the aspirin down eagerly.

"Alright, kiddo," She said brightly, "Let's see what we can scrounge up for breakfast." Aaron beamed up at her and raced ahead down the stairs as fast as his chubby little legs could carry him. By the time Kate had caught up with him he had already pulled up a chair to the counter and was sitting on top of it while rummaging in the cabinets above them for cereal.

"Aaron, you know you shouldn't be up there. You might fall," Kate scolded gently, "Get down from there and let Mommy pick something out for you." She picked him up and put him back down on the floor. He pouted at her. "Why don't you get a spoon for your cereal from the drawer?" She offered.

"Okay," He said. Once the spoon was secured he sat down at the table and made his request "I want Cocoa Pebbles."

"Then Cocoa Pebbles you will get," Kate said smiling at her son. She poured the cereal, a glass of milk for him and a large mug of black coffee for herself. Her headache was starting to fade and Aaron was happily working his way through his cereal. That boy sure could eat; she knew that as soon as he was done his first bowl he'd be begging for something else to eat.

But for now everything was quiet. She leaned against the marble countertop and sipped the coffee gratefully. She deeply breathed in the over-strong scent of roses. Her eyes wondered towards them. They had been lovely when Jack had brought them home for her on Christmas Eve. But now they were starting to droop, white petals were scattered on the counter around the cut glass vase filled with water that was slowly turning a murky grey color. They should probably be thrown out but she couldn't bear to toss them. They had been so beautiful and it just didn't seem right to throw them out just because they had gotten a little sad.

As soon as she thought that Kate realized how ridiculous she was being. They were flowers, not a child or a relationship. She pulled the roses out of the vase and tossed them into the garbage. Picking up the vase she crossed the kitchen to the sink and dumped the dull water down the drain. She quickly scrubbed out the vase and placed it on the windowsill. There, good as new.

Kate's eyes scanned the room, looking for anything else out of place. Since coming off the island Kate had become obsessed with appearances. Appearances were important. She needed the world to think she was a respectable housewife who kept a lovely and respectful home and had a wonderful respectful doctor boyfriend. This was crucial.

Her eyes alit upon the tree in the center of the living room. The three of them had driven out to a tree farm to pick it out the day after Thanksgiving. She and Aaron had fallen in love with the lush, large evergreen. To Aaron Christmas was still the second most magical time of the year, after his birthday of course. For Kate, well, Wayne and Diane had never really been big on holiday spirit. Jack, who had always had a large Christmas tree brimming with presents underneath, had laughed at their enthusiasm and dropped down the money for the tree. Kate's eyes had gotten very round and large when she saw how much that tree cost. What was the point of paying a fortune for a tree that would die in a couple of weeks? But Jack waved her protests away, telling her he wanted to pay for it. After all, it was their first Christmas together.

As soon as he said that Kate remembered their real first Christmas together. She had to strain her brain to remember which day exactly that one had been. On the island the days had blurred together. And then it came to her, she remembered it clearly. On Christmas Eve she had lain in Sawyer's arms as he whispered into her ear that he she was the best Christmas present he had ever gotten. She remembered the tremor that had run down her spine at his words. Excitement, lust, fear, anxiety, she felt it all in that moment brief moment.

But then…the next morning it all fell apart. They had fought so horribly. She remembered her anger and disappointment at his joy upon her not being pregnant. She hadn't been able to face him a moment longer after that. She had pulled on her clothes and started to leave. And then he said the words that had so broken her heart. He told her that she'd come back to him once she was done with Jack. Those words had hurt her more than she had ever possibly thought mere words could. She did the only think she could think of to communicate her anger to him, to make him feel a fraction of the pain she was feeling. She slapped him hard across the face and left him. She remembered his angry and indignant glare at her as she paused before opening the door. She wanted more than anything to stay, for him to just apologize. One little word and she would have been back in his arms, it all would have been forgiven with a kiss.

But he didn't apologize, because that man was nothing if not stubborn. But she was stubborn, too. So she left him. And she didn't see him again until the day she left, the day he had first placed Aaron in her arms. That was also the day he jumped from the chopper, the day he had made her promise to look after his daughter, the day he kissed her for the last time.

But that was all over now. She had sworn to herself not to think about those days anymore. The island was gone. Sawyer was gone. And he was never going to come back. That was her past. And her present, her future, that was with Aaron. And it was also with Jack.

So she let Jack take home the tree, she had helped him and Aaron decorate with glass ornaments and far too many bright lights. When they had finished the boughs had sagged from the weight of it all and Jack had held Aaron up so he could place the star of Bethlehem on top.

Christmas had been wonderful. Santa had brought Aaron the Star Wars toy he had spent months begging for. Kate had no idea where he had picked up this love for Star Wars but lately all he ever talked about was his new hero: Han Solo.

Jack had also been wonderful on Christmas morning. It was all very early; Aaron had woken them up barely an hour after they had finished placing Santa's presents under the tree and eating the cookies Kate and Aaron had baked for him. But they went downstairs anyway because Aaron was too excited to wait until dawn to open his presents. Kate had been a mess, she was tired and cranky but Jack was fantastic. He was so into playing house with her, being a parent to Aaron.

Aaron still called Jack by his first name. Kate wasn't ready to let Aaron call him "daddy." And she didn't think Jack would have been able to bear it, knowing that Aaron was calling him by the wrong name. Jack wanted to be a part of Aaron's life so much, but he wasn't ready to admit that he was actually family, even more a family to Aaron than Kate, the woman who raised him, was.

Under the dim light of the Christmas lights Jack had placed a small velvet box into her hand. For a moment she was convinced it held an engagement ring. And that thought filled her with something almost akin to dread. But she flipped it open carefully and realized with sadness and relief that they only contained two diamond earrings. To Jack's credit they were very large and expensive diamond earrings but she realized in that moment that he too was making sure too felt hesitant to continue on the path they were clearly heading down. That path led to a big church wedding and babies and domestic bliss. That path both elated and terrified Kate.

In three years she had adjusted to being a mother so much more than she had ever expected to. She loved Aaron with the same fierce love she knew only a mother could feel for her child. She tried not to remember that it was all a lie. She wasn't Aaron's mother. Aaron's mother was a small blonde woman who had vanished on an island that had also vanished. Kate knew that Claire couldn't be found. The island was gone. She was all Aaron had left. And besides, everything she had ever read about parenting said that a child's parents were the ones who loved and took care of him, even if they weren't biologically related to him. Kate was Aaron's mother. And that was that.

Now here she was; it was the start of a new year. The third new year she had spent since leaving the island, her first new year in a relationship with Jack.

Kate slowly came out of her reverie. She examined the Christmas tree again, this time with the eyes of a housewife looking for something to fix. A whole bunch of the bulbs had burned out. Pine needles littered the hardwood floor. She needed to take down that tree. But Aaron had cried the night before when Jack had told him that the tree needed to come down soon. He had thrown his short little arms around the trunk of the tree and hollered that he loved his tree and he never wanted to let it go. But now it was time to let go. Aaron had a play date with his friend Olivia this afternoon. Kate would take it down then.

Later that day, Kate drove back to the house after dropping Aaron of at his play date. Olivia's mother Noreen had offered to make Kate some tea and have her stay there and chat while the children played but Kate didn't really feel like being cooped up in suburbia gossiping about nothing with a woman who was no more than an acquaintance. Kate knew that all the mothers in the neighborhood were strangely fascinated by her. Or the person the tabloids said she was. She often heard them whispering as she went past, wondering what exactly went on inside her house. But Kate had heard worse said about her and a bunch of bored housewives' nattering didn't bother her in the slightest.

After Kate kissed Aaron good bye and promised to pick him up in a few hours, she climbed into her car and drove back home. It was a short ride back home it was far too long to be cooped up with her thoughts and memories.

Whenever she was alone they all flashed over her eyes like a filmstrip that had no end. She saw it all, but there was one thing she was more than anything else. She always saw a beautiful man, blond hair falling over his clear blue eyes, a look on his face that was half-smile and half-smirk. He had the sexiest dimples when he smiled. She used to lie in his arms and trace her finger over them, kissing his rough lips that were somehow irresistibly soft as well.

She saw him tied up helplessly in a bamboo forest, looking up at her with those beautiful, begging eyes. He had asked her for a kiss then, and she had willingly given it. She'd given him a kiss and so much more.

She saw him leaning against the bars of his cage, working so hard to make her smile even though she was scared to death. And he had succeeded. When he smiled at her she forgot that both of their lives were on the line. She had forgotten that there was a world outside those cages.

But that world did exist, and that was the world she was in now. She didn't even know if he was dead or alive, and it didn't matter anyway. She'd never see him again, never be held tightly in his eyes, feel those lips brushing gently against hers, his hands would never again wander reverently over her naked body. She could remember his all she wanted, but those memories were all she had left of him. And they hurt too much to keep.

So Kate drove on, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel of the bright and shiny Volvo. It was a gorgeous car, the first car she had ever bought brand new and it ran like a dream.

And yet… for some reason Kate seemed to miss her old beat-up crappy clunker. The thing had barely run half the time but she had loved that car. That car had been with her as she traveled all over the continental. For some odd reason that Kate couldn't figure out she had felt freer with that car than she now felt in suffocating suburbia.

Kate had expected that car to die on her for years, but it had kept rolling along with her, never stopping, getting fixed whenever it broke down.

Kate slowed to a stop at a red light and closed her eyes as she waited for it to change. The throbbing in her temples had faded to a dull ache. The sun shone on her exposed neck through the sunroof. It was unseasonably warm for January, even January in Los Angeles. She unconsciously rubbed the back of her neck and felt the heat radiating off of her skin.

This winter was so unlike the ones of her childhood in Iowa. Hell, _everything_ about her new life was different from her childhood in Iowa. It was nearly jarring.

Back then winters had meant bracingly cold winds, steaming hot mugs of cocoa and epic snowball battles with her best friend Tom.

_Tom,_ Kate thought while her heart aching, _Poor sweet Tom_. He was the first man she'd ever loved, and she hadn't felt anything like that love for a long time after that. Not until that night in the cages and underneath the stars. Tom hadn't deserved what he'd gotten, what Kate had given him. He had a good life, the life he'd always wanted. And she ruined it all. She had destroyed his whole life with her selfishness.

She ruined everyone's life. Everyone she had ever loved had been worse off for it. She had sworn not to let happen to Aaron, but she couldn't help but wonder if just taking him away from Claire was destruction enough.

A loud horn honked loudly and pulled her out of daydreams. She placed her foot back down on the accelerator and headed home.

Once she was there Kate packed up the Christmas ornaments. The lights would have to be tossed. She dragged the poor, sad tree out to the curb and went back inside for the lights. Kate threw them forcibly into the trash. The can wobbled precariously and then toppled onto the ground. The bag ripped open and its contents spilled all over Kate's perfectly manicured front lawn.

For some reason Kate felt like crying. She bent down to pick up the trash back up but instead sank to her knees and shook with desperately held in tears.

She had to stop, she had to focus. Blindly she grabbed the first thing in her reach and quickly pulled her hand back with a yelp of pain. She had pricked her finger on the thorns of the roses she had thrown out earlier. Kate gazed numbly at the bubble of blood forming on her fingertip. Its vibrant red was oddly fascinating.

"Kate?" A voice called from above. Her head shot up in alarm, it was Jack.

"Hey," She said, "What are you doing home?"

"My lunch meeting was canceled. I thought I'd head over here and say hello. Is Aaron here?"

"He's at Olivia's," Kate told him.

"What are you doing down there?" Jack asked her, gazing down on her dirt covered self.

"Oh, um, I was taking out the trash and the can fell over." Kate said.

"Alright," Jack said with a distracted nod, "Just make sure to clean it all up, OK?"

"Yeah, I will," Kate promised. She watched Jack head inside and then bent back over the contents of the spilled bag, not able to vanquish the feeling that somehow everything had gone all wrong.

**FIN**


End file.
